Let’s Take Our Country Back

You hear a lot of talk these days about “Let’s Take Our Country Back!”  It’s a nebulous rallying cry, to be sure.  It’s pretty important to a lot of folks though, and they sure seem to know exactly what it means.  As for me, I’m not sure; it’s a secret code that I’ve been unable to break.  Take it back from whom; or what?

How far back do they want to take our country?  I’m guessing that back to the Depression is a little too far back, what with the soup lines and all.  After all, it WAS called the “depression.”  After much thought, I have decided that the 1950s is the decade that seems to put such a rosy, nostalgic glow on peoples’ faces; it was the birth of rock and roll, Mickey Mantle was The Mick, and we had an honest-to-goodness war hero sitting in the Oval Office.  Yes, we did like Ike.

We remember the fifties as a no-nonsense decade when men were men and women had supper on the table at 6 pm…sharp.  Then, Dad retired to the living room with his pipe and newspaper while Mom did the dishes and helped the children with their homework…sometimes all at the same time.  By the way, mom looked fresh and gorgeous while doing it, too; at least in our memories.  But, have the past 60+ years fogged our memories?  Were things really better in the Fifties as compared to today?  It depends on your point of view.  Life in America in the 1950s was built around fear; fighting communism and promoting our way of life to the commies.  Life in America today is also built around fear; fighting Islamic Terrorists and promoting our way of life to the terrorists.  See the parallels?  Let’s take a comparison.

Fifties Women- The goal for women was the Holy Grail: mother, homemaker and wife.  She had no bank account.  She received an allowance and focused on taking care of her husband.  She typically married right out of high school.  She also typically did not work outside the home.  Her breasts were perkier; her waist tinier.  There was no bra burning going on in the fifties.  Single women who got pregnant were sent away (To where, I have no idea).  Yes, women had sex, but they felt just awful about it.  In 1957, The Pill was approved for women with menstrual problems (which many women suddenly developed….sort of like young men who now have all sorts of afflictions for which to get their medical marijuana).  In 1960, The Pill was approved for all, and suddenly, sex became a helluva lot more fun.

By the 1970s, The Pill was practically eaten like M&Ms.

“I Love Lucy” was our comedy of choice and showed a helpless woman always needing to be rescued.  Women who disagreed with their man were considered a pain in the ass.  “The Honeymooners'”  Ralph Kramden even threatened to knock his wife, Alice, to the moon and we all laughed. You think women were ever invited to join in on political discussions?  Please.

Today’s Women- The Holy Grail is: “If Mama aint happy…aint nobody happy”.  Men live by this and some even have it tattooed in a visible place so they can reference it quickly.  Today’s women now have checking and savings accounts (and a secret account for when she leaves the first husband).  She insists the husband become a partner in all household activities, including long Saturday afternoon trips to Bed, Bath…and Beyond.  The first marriage is for love; the second one, for wealth (so I’ve heard).  The third marriage is to learn a new language and live in Europe.  Today’s woman is, likely, the main source of household income.  The Pill is no longer all that and a bag of chips, so if the man wants to get laid so badly, he can get himself spayed.

Women now run for President, for Congress, and they become cops, judges, doctors, and more (Albeit for less pay…except for President and Congress).  Women now openly enjoy sex, and even tell us where, when and how (Men needed help with the “how”).  Women insist on complete control over their own bodies, talking about vagina this, and vagina that…VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!  This word causes white male politicians to cringe and create new laws to shut the vagina down.  Women now change tires, mow the yard and install shelves in the laundry room.  Ellen DeGeneres is the new TV role model.  She’s funny, she’s the boss, she’s rich, she’s brave, and she’s gay, with a hot wife.  Go Ellen!

Fifties Men– The perception was that men were manlier.  They would rather fight than cry.  They made things with their goddamn bare hands…and yet, they couldn’t make a sandwich, wash a dish, or figure out the complexities of operating a vacuum cleaner. They got a job with a pension and they kept it.  They drove big cars and washed them on the weekend.  They controlled the checkbook with an iron hand and balanced it often, with a tremendous air of great, mysterious, self-importance.  The Tonight Show was foreplay, and during sex, if the woman didn’t climax, then she was surely frigid.  This gave birth to the mysterious bedtime headache, for which sleep was the only cure.  Of course, multiple orgasms made her a bit whorish.

Men were conformists and did not ask questions.  “Leave it to Beaver” dad, Ward Cleaver, was the ideal; he was very wise and fatherly, but not touchy-feely.  He was gone most of the time, but when he was home, he tended to just wander around the house in a suit and tie.  He occasionally dispensed wisdom in a sweater.  He dished out all the punishment in the family and wife June Cleaver pleaded for him to not.  If Dad got home from work and the newspaper had been unfolded or read in any way (he could tell), somebody was getting an ass-whipping, and it was probably you.  There was plenty of ass-whipping going on in the 1950s, especially if you brought home a bad note from school (I suspect “wife-beater” shirts could very well be from the fifties, but I’m not sure).

Men frequently wore crew cuts which were neat, clean, conformist hairstyles.  Beatniks allowed their hair to just hang down on the forehead and they were considered ne’re-do-wells who liked to play bongos.  Exercise for fifties men was weekend golf or mowing the yard.

Today’s Men– They cry.  They cry a lot, but it’s probably from hormones in the food supply.  They wash clothes on the delicate cycle, carefully separating colors from the whites, using appropriate water temperatures.  Men cook supper, do dishes, give massages, and help the kids with school projects (this may cause testicular shrinking).  They drive the latest micro-model car or an SUV.  They can’t decide.  They may have several careers.  In the bedroom, “needs” are met, even if it takes a zip-line and a step-ladder to do it.  Dirty talk is encouraged.  Men’s sexual fantasies are not to have sex with two women, but to watch two women have sex with each other.

Today’s ideal man can be found in any Paul Rudd movie, and if he is gay; well, that’s okay too.  If the children misbehave, it will be discussed, and punishment will be dispensed; either by taking away the child’s porn collection or his guns…and don’t argue with me, mister!  If the kid brings home a bad note from school, the Dad storms the school and threatens to kill the entire staff in the Principal’s office.  Anything goes when it comes to a man’s hair: long, short, ponytail, or even the purposely messed up hair that, somehow, passes for a real hairstyle.  Whatever.  Exercise is yoga, running, fitness clubs, or home gyms.  Heart attacks are down.

Life in the 1950s- With no Internet, settling a bet meant that a trip to the library was in order.  Did you ever notice how all kids in the 1950s seemed to have had “Jug-ears?”  Our military ruled the Earth, the economy was booming, and communism had us all scared shitless.  Unemployment was low, wages were high and the middle class had big, fat wallets; all while the top bracket income tax rate was over 90%.  Coloreds (now African-Americans) knew their place until Brown vs Board of Education, when the Supreme Court declared separate schools for blacks were “inherently unequal.”  This outrageous decision gave rise to a little thing called the “Southern Manifesto,” which was aimed at keeping in place, our beloved segregation of public places.  The Southern Manifesto accused the Supreme Court of “clear abuse of judicial power.”  Sound familiar?  Then Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat and all hell broke loose; they opened up the fire hoses and let loose the German Shepherds.

If you were gay, you married the opposite sex, had kids, and dreamed of one day being free to love who you wanted to love.

Communication was not as free and easy as it is today.  We had to lick stamps, dial those s-l-o-w rotary phones, and deal with party lines. The “Insurance Man” made periodic visits to your house carrying a massive luggage-file thing that held every insurance policy in the world.  For some weird reason, he became a family friend.

Television sucked, with just NBC, ABC, CBS and some vague, mysterious fourth network that no one can quite remember.  To get a better picture we sent our sibling outside to turn the antenna…MORE!…LITTLE MORE!….BACK THE OTHER WAY…..AWW YOU HAD IT!  Newsmen smoked on the air.  Actually, people smoked everywhere.  Twenty five years later came the “Golden Age of Pulmonary Care” and doctors celebrated by buying lots of stuff, and starting second families with young, beautiful, non-smoking wives.

TV couples slept in separate beds. (In the fifties, virgin births were the preferred method of populating the Earth).  Sex was so inhibited, and masturbation…forget it.  I, myself, have been blind since the age of 15.  “Repression” was the word; it had groove, it had meaning.

The Cold War and the “Red Scare” freaked us all out and soon, our kids were in daily rehearsals, leaping under their desks to prepare for a nuclear bomb soon to be dropping on their heads.  Any mystery why those kids would come to love their drugs later on?

Life Today– The Internet has made everyone a know-it-all smartass, but we certainly are well-informed.  People can tell you the proper way to make Kimchi at a moment’s notice, animal videos are collected and passed around like baseball cards, and most everyone is a bonofide expert on the Constitution…even if they each read into it what they need ( How wise could the Founding Fathers have been if their words could be interpreted so many different ways?).  African-Americans (formerly coloreds in the fifties) are now demanding their right not to get killed when they drive a car, ride a bike, or walk down the street.  The nerve of these guys!  Don’t they know that cops are very nervous these days?

Home buyers today are much more sophisticated than they were in the 1950s.  You hear words like “backsplash,” “crown molding,” “colors that pop,” “updating,” and “curb appeal”.  We are a walking testament to HGTV.  I honestly couldn’t imagine my parents or grandparents being aghast over fixtures more than seven years old.

We are now the Offended States of America, and we are making an art out of being offended.  We are offended by everything, but especially by gay people having sex.  Though God made them that way, He demands they restrain from pleasures of the flesh and let us heterosexuals handle it.  And they can forget getting married…in some states, anyway. (Our “activist” court is, currently, in the process of destroying the Constitution over this).  Marriage is a sacred ceremony practiced only by non-gay people at a 50% failure rate.  Freedom of Speech is great and vital…as long as we agree with what is being said.  Being kind is now equated with being weak.

Politics are all about manipulating the population.

Liberals are lazy; they mooch off the government, love huge taxes and want to take away everyone’s guns.  They love big government, love homosexuals, love killing fetuses, love anything Europe does, and they know absolutely nothing about economics.  These emotional, sappy “Libtards” go around hugging trees, hauling their bleeding hearts around, and crying for the less fortunate…suckers.  Now they also want free college!  They are the “Give-me-free-stuff” Party.

Conservatives are angry white people who are feeling threatened by…well, just about everything.  They have theirs, now you go get yours…and go screw yourself while you’re at it.  They hate immigrants, except their ancestors.  Europe is a big joke.  They hate the environment, hate science, and are heartless religious nuts.  Their 2^nd amendment rights are of extreme importance…even in the face of 20 first-graders being mowed down in their classrooms on a cool, clear December morning.  Some think it was all a hoax, in a scheme to take their guns away.

Are these stereotypes true?  We believe they are, and that’s the problem.  We no longer know what the truth is, because everyone has an agenda that is more important to them than truth; more important than what is right.  We mischaracterize the other guy’s position to fit our narrative.  We no longer take care of our brother.  We only take care of those who agree with us.  We dehumanize each other.

With all of today’s wondrous technology, we’ve lost a bit of our humanity.   The anonymity of the Internet gives us free reign to be assholes.  We forget our manners.  We talk to our phones instead of talking to each other.

The truth is…the Fifties sucked and I would NEVER want to go back.  Today sucks too, but it’s all we have, and it’s up to each of us to make it better.

For the past 7 years, a black man has worked in the Oval Office.  He is a good man and a family man.  He has represented America in a graceful, dignified manner.  He is not a monkey, a communist, a Kenyan, or a Muslim.  You may not like his policies, but just wait; someone new will sit there next year, maybe a woman for the first time; possibly a billionaire businessman.  We don’t have to agree with their politics, but we must respect the office.  My guy has lost many times: Jimmy Carter in 1980, Mondale, Dukakis, Al Gore, and John Kerry.  It’s not life and death.  I bitched and moaned, but I survived just fine.  There are checks and balances, and I still have a certain faith in the American people that things won’t get too nutty.  The gravitas of the office has a way of moderating Presidents…I hope.

If any politician tells you to fear, fear, fear; be very wary.  If that is his up-sell, run the other way.  Elections do matter; especially mid-term elections.  Volunteer to work the phones for your guy, and then in November….win or lose…go home.

And be an American.

 

Today, we are much more aware of the plight of homeless animals and that is a good thing; however, we still have a way to go.  Adopt an unwanted animal today.

David